I grew up in Japanese society which operates on "shame." and I remember teachers would shame all of us in the group when one person does not complete the task in a timely manner. There were many instances through Japanese public schools in the 90s but it explains why I still carry the feelings of shame from time to time.
Childhood trauma can have a serious impact on the child's perceptions, core beliefs, self-worth, their views on the world. Shame is a very common emotion shared by those who experienced childhood trauma. Therefore, trauma-based shame can be very pervasive, consistent and insistent because it is deeply ingrained in our nervous system.
What is shame? Shame is a very painful emotion that comes from a deep sense of unworthiness, humiliation and mistrust of oneself, others and the world. When abuse is experienced during formative years, shame can have a lasting impact on us. It is normal for many children to blame themselves when the parents abuse them and children feel shame, bad and overwhelming emotions because they don't always have the language to explain what has happened to them, Children tend to take responsibility for their abuser's actions because if they believe that something is wrong with themselves (children), they feel like they have more control over the situation.
What is very troubling about shame is that childhood trauma can leave individuals with a profound sense of shame that becomes intertwined with their self-identity. They may internalize responsibility, believing they are inherently flawed, damaged, or deserving of mistreatment. "Why this keeps happening to me?" "What is wrong with me?" I have head childhood abuse survivors say this to me so many times. How can you develop a healthy sense of self (You generally feel good about yourself, you know you are worthy and you have flaws and you are not perfect).
Shame inflicted by childhood abuse can lead to low self-esteem, social isolation, emotional dysregulation, perfectionism and self-criticism.
It is a very painful feeling and I understand that on a personal level. Self-compassion and being kind to yourself and to your inner child is so important.
So what can we do about it?
seek professional help: It may be scary at first to reach out to therapist especially if you have never done that, but it is really the first step toward your healing journey.
Write down 5 things you like about yourself everyday.
Give yourself credit for 5 accomplishments each day. Even just to get up, take a shower, taking a walk, taking the dog out for a walk..reach to your inner child and affirm, validate and praise.
Do not isolate!: Reach out to your local support group. Talk to your friends. Build your support system.
Cope with overwhelming emotions including shame: Shame can amplify, activate your nervous system and some people may have the urge to lash out at others, but stop, take a step back, observe your feelings/thought and proceed mindfully;
Self-criticism: If you were criticized constantly as a child, you probably internalized some of the most painful messages. As soon as you catch yourself ruminating about criticism, notice and let go. If you would like to challenge, you can do that too. Do not ignore inner criticism because it makes things worse.
Self-compassion and be kind to yourself literally. Understand that shame does not define who you are. You may have the urge to be mean to yourself or buy into inner criticism, but please be kind to yourself and your inner child and be curious toward their reactions.
Practice mindfulness, You an do it in your room, while walking in the park, while playing with your dog, while eating your lunch, while relaxing in bed at night
and this is back to 1) but schedule an appointment with therapist, :)
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