Why is it so difficult for me to find the right partner? Why do I keep having unhealthy relationships?
I hear my friends talk about their emotionally unavailable partner. I am tempted to just say this based on my own history and years of work that I have done for myself and others. It all comes down to your early childhood experiences in relation to your caregivers/parents. Was your parent (or both parents) a good enough one? Nobody is perfect and the key is that you received consistent support, love and care from your parents. Did your parents attend to your emotional and physical needs consistently? Did you feel "consistent" love, support and protection from your parents during the formative years (0-8 yrs)? John Bowlby, a pioneer of "attachment theory" says the quality of "attachment" between a child and their caregivers profoundly impact the adult relationships. So what is secure attachment? Many of us don't even know what that really feels like because we have not received consistent parenting in our childhood.
If the child is securely attached to one's parents, they feel calm, protected, loved and cared for by parents..And, as they grow older, they feel comfortable in their skin, understanding that we are separate, unique human being.
When you are securely attached to your parents, this becomes the base for your other friendships and relationships in adulthood. Of course you will be heartbroken at times and you are not going to be everyone's best friends, but you know who you are, and you have positive self-image for the most part and you don't need unavailable partner to love you in order to feel "ok." Securely attached adults can show genuine empathy, set boundaries with others and move through difficult challenges.
On the other hand, if you experienced frequent emotional neglect, abuse and inconsistent love from parents, you struggle to set boundaries with others, get confused about your own self-worth, may put unavailable partner's needs ahead of yours and lack a sense of worthiness. If you have anxious/fearful attachment style because of early childhood trauma, it makes sense that you are clingy, fearful of genuine intimacy and relationship because you have never experienced safety and consistent love as a child.
In my therapy room, I often focus on early childhood attachment history. (if it is ok for the client to explore) Insight and learning about your unique history can help you to understand why you repeat the same mistake in relationshps and hopefully understanding the important part of your history can help you to see your younger self with more compassion, radical acceptance and open curiosity. There's so much that wounded child wants to express to you. When you heal that part, you are more comfortable exploring healthy, nurturing adult relationship with equal partner.
Everyone deserves deeper, safer, healthier relationships that are rooted in a sense of security, mutual respect and genuineness. The beautiful part is that you can heal your inner child and that part will continue to be healed through your healthy relationships.
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