This is my favorite skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and this skill is not easy and I find myself struggle to radically accept the situation that is stressing me out. But this radical acceptance concept literally transformed my life to say the least.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Accepting "what is" moment by moment, letting go of what you want, wish, hope. It does not mean that you need to like or approve the situation. It does not mean that you are stuck in this situation for a long time. This skill teaches us we don't always have to have what we want, and it is not the end of the world. For example, you couldn't get a concert ticket (!!). It sucks and it hurts, but that is not a catastrophe. This skill became very helpful when my flight back to the US was cancelled at 11:30pm (yes!) and the passengers were directed to find a hotel around the airport. The pilot profusely apologized for this inconvenience and I saw adults expressing frustrations toward the employees and even to the pilot! But that just was not effective so I decided to do radical acceptance skill. Just accepting this reality that I would be staying in Tokyo one more night and that we were not flying back home that day. And that was my reality and there was no other reality. I am a human. I do get irritated and frustrated for staying at the airport for like 6 hours. At some point, my chest started to ache a little because I was exhausted. But resisting this reality by complaining to the employees wouldn't change the reality and it would cause more stress.
So I decided to use this opportunity to radically accept this reality, breath slowly, exhale slowly and just moment by moment I work toward radical acceptance. My thoughts were all over the place because I am a natural problem solver, but my wise mind was telling me that I really had to do the radical acceptance then. After about 10-15 minutes of breathing, radically accepting the reality, I noticed shift in my perceptions. Airline workers were starting to provide information on the hotels around the airport and things were moving forward.
This is one of many more situations that I benefited from using radical acceptance skills. No matter how many times I practice, there are some days that are harder than others. And I accept that too. Radical acceptance is not about liking the reality, situation that is frustrating you. It is about accepting, embracing, coming to terms with the reality even though you feel you can't tolerate it. And just because you choose to radically accept the situation, it does not mean that you are stuck and cannot fix the situation. We cannot change what we don't accept.
I talk about this skill in my sessions a lot. I share and spread this skill because it can transform your life. It will gradually cultivate your patience and you can even focus on coming up with better solutions if possible. Again, radical acceptance is not about approving the reality but it is about turning your mind toward acceptance, letting go of rejecting reality So you can ultimately let go of your expectations, wishes, hopes and intentionally change your inner dialogue from "This is unacceptable. I am frustrated. I am going to spiral" (I have heard this before and I have felt this way) to "this is the reality that I have to accept because I can't change this reality this moment. This is the way it is right now."
How do you accept reality one moment at a time?
Accept this moment as exactly it is. Remind yourself that this reality couldn't be any other way because many things have led to this reality.
If you are still struggling with this concept, write down pros/cons of accepting this reality vs pros/cons of rejecting this reality
Notice and be curious toward any thoughts/feelings that want to reject the reality. Acknowledge this thought, breathe, take a step back from this thought.
Remind yourself that it is ok for you to feel disappointed, sad because life is worth living even when you don't like this reality.
All you need is to accept your thoughts, feelings and reality one moment at a time.
Accept the reality and let go of your disappointment, sadness, negative impact just this one moment.
Remind yourself many things are out of your control and it does not mean this reality will be "forever." This reality is just the way it is this moment. It does not mean this reality will continue for a long time.
By rejecting the reality, you are experiencing pain AND SUFFERING.
"Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional." ~Haruki Murakami
Willing hand and half smile skills can be used as part of radical acceptance tool.
Half smile, relax your facial muscle and move the corners of your lips upward.
Half smile signals the brain to introduce more calming feelings and relaxation gradually.
Half smile skill can be used anytime. During the meetings, interviews even. You can relax your lips and do half smile gently and other people wouldn't notice but this is a great distress tolerance skills.
observe your thoughts, feelings without judgment and again notice what's inside you. outside you, in front of you without judgment.
*This skill may and may not work for everyone, but it's worth the try!
Willing hands
Open up your palms to the sun, sky, universe..whatever the higher power you may believe in.
This skill is extremely helpful when you are feeling overwhelmed or even angry and you do have to tolerate your feelings. I don't remember how many times that I had to use this skill during my consulting meetings that I have attended.
When we are angry, many of us end up clenching your fists. Almost ready to explore or say something that may make things worse. Again, try the half smile and willing hand skills instead of being willful, which is a sign of rejecting the reality and most likely you feel worse depending on the situations.
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